I want to share briefly about one of the roughest but also most important ceremonies that I’ve had.
It was when I proposed to my now wife, we got engaged in the medicine temple, where the Shaman that we work with hosts the plant medicine ceremonies.
I proposed to her there because we literally helped build it up with our own hands, we carried stones and steered concrete, we built black holes for the foundations.
It was there that a lot of our relationship nonsense came to the light and we dealt with a lot of it, we fell deep in love with each other.
It was Ayahuasca what allowed us to really see beyond our nonsense and forgive each other in difficult moments.
But also to understand the role that we play in the conflict that we’re having in relationships.
We believe that if it wasn’t for the plant medicine, we probably wouldn’t be together.
The medicine allowed us to heal the ways in which we were closed to love and romance, so it felt suitable to propose in that place.
Now, after the whole engagement situation, I walked up to the altar (we were in a private family ceremony) and I drank very little, about a spoonful.
I thought of asking him for some more but I figured: “You know what, maybe today is just a day to relax, to enjoy and celebrate that I’m engaged.”
Anyways, I drank the medicine and I set my intention, I thought:
“You know what, I have just proposed, I would love for you, Ayahuasca, to show me and teach me what it means to be a good husband, a good partner.”
In my mind, I imagine it’s gonna show me like: “This is what love feels like, what compassion feels like, this is what being nice and kind is all about.”
So, I was expecting sunshine and rainbows, so I drank the medicine, sat down, and thought this is gonna be a light journey.
It was really intense and overwhelming.
I started feeling very nauseous and very sick, then I heard and felt the energy of the medicine within me, she said:
“All right, you want to be a good husband, then the #1 thing you need to understand is integrity”
And I asked: “What do you mean by integrity, what’s integrity?”
She said: “Integrity means that everything is whole, that your energy is yours, not a mix of a lot of different things or different people…
Integrity means that things work the way they’re supposed to, nothing is broken.
If you’re a car, integrity means that you’re in a good condition and it can move at fast speeds without too much friction or breaking apart.”
I thought: “All right, I think I’m in integrity.”
Then she said: “Not really…”
And it showed me one by one each moment in my relationship where I had lied, down to tiny little lies like when we were leaving at 11 am to this place, but it was 11:05 and i wasn’t ready – very subtle things.
Also other big ones, like it was confronting me with all my nonsense and saying:
“If you want to have a beautiful marriage, you cannot lie, you have to be honest first with yourself and her.”
I was vomiting in all these moments where I had been dishonest.
When I finished when I felt I was clean from it, it said:
“All right, there’s also a lot of leftovers from your past lovers in you, you still have energy from a lot of the women that you were physically intimate with.”
And so I started seeing more or less every single girlfriend or woman that I had sex with since I was 14 years old.
It showed me (and it showed me in a very subtle way) how there was in my system the memory of that person.
In the Yogic tradition, we call this runanubandha, which is the exchange of memory that happens when you hold hands, even when you hug.
Especially when you have sex, when somebody cooks for you.
You will pick up a lot of energy, or a lot of memory from the spaces and people around us.
I got to see this person and see where it was in my body, then, I spent the next probably 1-2 hours vomiting quite literally every single one of my previous lovers.
It was like I was becoming a virgin again, in a way.
But I was letting that go, because the medicine said as long as you have a lot of women within your system, quite literally your mind is going to waver, and you’re going to be thinking about your ex, or this other girl.
There’s not going to be integrity, commitment and stability of your attention, love and devotion for your wife.
Now, once that was done, I thought:
“Okay, that’s it, I’m a free man.”
And he said: “…not so much!”
And it started getting more and more intense, I sat down and I’m placing my hands on the earth.
I start to feel like I’m gonna lose it, like I’m about to die and I feel sick, nauseous.
Like my energies are leaving my body.
I was sure that I was gonna die, so I started to feel really anxious because my family is in the temple, I just proposed, my loved ones are there.
I’m thinking: “Oh my god, no, what am I gonna do?”
At one point, I took a deep breath and said:
“You know what, so be it, if I die today, I die in peace, because the last 2-3 years of my life I’ve lived with integrity…
I did my best to make up for all the nonsense that I created before, but also to be an agent of change, of healing and of harmony, of the world, I fell in love and learned to love in a better way than before…
I was able to gather my family and invite them to come and drink Ayahuasca with me.” we were celebrating in that moment, and I thought:
“If i die today, well, it sucks, because things were getting quite beautiful, but I am ready, I can go in peace.”
Then, mentally, I was seeing this like ocean of energy, which felt like death or like returning to oneness, and I threw myself into it.
“All right, that’s it, I’m ready to die.“
As soon as I jumped into the abyss, it dissapeared, then I felt the energy of Ayahuasca saying:
“All right, you’re ready to be a husband, because only when you are welcoming death in every moment, it means that you are at peace with what you’ve done…
You don’t feel that you could have done more, you have shown up with all your heart, with all your love…
Only when you can live your life in a way that, anyday, no matter when you die, you will do it joyfully and willingly, only then you will be the kind of person, of man that will create and support a beautiful marriage.”
So I understood that to be a good partner means that I must live with the utmost intensity, love, commitment, devotion, every single day.
Show up in this way and not think that I have the whole life to make things up with her, if we’re arguing or that being a good husband can wait or that I can just dismiss her because I’ve work to do, no.
“All right, is this the highest action that I can do, is this in the highest integrity, am I at peace if I die today with how I showed up?”
If the answer is no, then you it means: “I need to change something.“
So, this was my experience, Ayahuasca has helped me so much in my relationship, I would not be married, let alone with such a beautiful woman in every way, if it wasn’t because of plant medicine.
It allowed me to really go off the walls and fears that I had around intimacy, and also learned what love was.
First of all, because it was not what I thought, I thought it was pleasure, but it happens to be much more than that.
If you’re in a relationship or you want to be in one and things have not worked out in the past, so you’re considering doing plant medicine.
I highly recommend it, in a safe setting, and if you’re not, you’re anyways invited.
If you feel the calling to sit with Ayahuasca, in a container held by Colombian shamans at a sacred temple in the middle of the mountain forests, please check: