I want to share with you about an experience that I had about a year ago.
In which I got to understand, heal and face something that had taken me a lot of years to acknowledge and understand, which is sexual energy.
A bit of context, before going into this ceremony I felt that my mind was clear, I live happy, I am committed, I love the work that I do, I’m in a beautiful relationship.
But I felt that my “achilles heel“, the point where I felt the weakest, and maybe the only point where I felt I could still be tempted into the old life that I used to live, was lust with sexual energy.
I still felt a bit compulsive, if I’m being honest with you, maybe I would scroll through social media and one of my friends happened to post an enticing picture in a bikini.
And I would look at it and feel like my whole body has this orientation towards wanting to like “drink” that in.
Wanting to just admire and rejoice in the pleasure, and I guess the hormones that I would wake up within me.
And I felt desire.
But it also came with a lot of judgement, because I am engaged now.
So, why am I feeling this way?
Does it mean that I want to be with other women rather than my wife?
Doesn’t mean that I haven’t healed, am I still addicted to women, sex or have a sexual compulsion?
Why have I not gotten over this, if I’ve drunk medicine so much and I’ve done so much work?
So, it was always riddled with a mix of things, part of me had desire, admiration and excitement from it.
Another part had a lot of self-judgement, a lot of stories, a lot of fears and a lot of concerns too.
Is this my shadow? Am I going to end up cheating down the road just because I couldn’t figure out why I felt so compulsive towards women’s bodies, over-sexualized to a degree?
You can imagine, it was overwhelming, and i know that you cannot repress something forever.
I have tried this in the past where I repressed my thoughts: “I’m not gonna look at any woman, I’m not gonna think about anything”
And I managed maybe for a few weeks, a couple of months.
Then one day, it exploded, and it was ugly, everything that you repressed.
Imagine if you’re in a relationship, or if you have been in one, when you repress telling the truth…
Maybe your partner did something and you just swallowed it, you didn’t like something but you kept it in.
“Okay, I’m not gonna say anything,”
It’s not that you’re not gonna say anything, it’s that you’re not gonna say anything right now.
But the day that you say or said something, it wasn’t just one thing, it was all of it, and it was ugly, explosive, right?
Because so much energy has been building in that when it comes out, it exits in an ugly way.
So, I was aware of this, therefore, I thought: “I cannot repress my sexual energy, because then for sure I will end up doing something that I regret, but I don’t want to just loosen up the leash, per se.”
Because then, the same thing is going to happen, i need to integrate this, to understand it, to befriend it and know how to work with it.
So that was my intention for this ceremony.
“Please medicine, allow me to develop a more conscious relationship with my sexual energy and heal whatever may not be healed from my compulsive relationship with it.”
As the medicine started, I was noticing that I started to feel more and more turned on, started to feel quite horny.
A wave of guilt, shame and judgement came, thinking:
“Oh my god, I am in the middle of a ceremony, in a sacred space, what if the Shaman notices that i’m feeling so much lust in my system… is this wrong?” you know, all the shame from feeling this way started coming from within me.
And I was rejecting the experience, I felt like: “Oh my god, no, maybe it’s my mind controlling the ceremony.”
Then at one point I realized:
“You know what, how can I heal, face and understand something that I’m not willing to look at, something that I’m not willing to feel…”
So i gave myself permission to like tap into that really, really “juicy” sense of pleasure, almost like an ongoing orgasm.
Allowing myself to feel all of it without judgement, without shame.
And the moment that I allowed myself to feel all of it…
I was sitting in a garden, and there was a plant right in front of me, I had the sense that this plant was a feminine plant because of the geometry, because of a few things.
And I started to feel so much passion and desire, like as if I was looking at the hottest women in front of me, and I started looking at the plant and I thought:
“Oh my god, what is this, why am i feeling turned on towards a plant?”
Then I took a deep breath, looked at the sky, the clouds, air, it felt yummy.
And I thought: “What is happening?“
Then I looked at the earth and then there were ants walking and I was thinking about how good this was, and then I started laughing.
Because I realized that everything was making me horny, that I felt turned on towards everything.
I turned around and I saw everybody that was in ceremony and I saw them with so much intensity.
In the moment I realized that, that intensity, that passion, that aliveness is not in the boobs or in the ass of a woman that looks a specific way.
But that aliveness is within me, and I understand that, that aliveness, that sexual energy is no different from the life force.
Its the energy that moves through everything, through a plant, through an ant, through the skies, into our blood.
The only issue was that it was not that I was feeling a lot of desire towards a woman, but that I was only feeling desire towards a small group of women.
Because this exclusion of everything else meant that I was fixated and obsessed, maybe attached and wanting to have or thinking that I wanted to have the hot woman next to me, why?
Because I felt that she was the key for me to feel so much pleasure, but then the medicine showed me, and said:
“You’re using her as the key, but in reality, all of life is like the Yin and Yang, a cosmic intertwining of masculine, femenine, light and dark…
It’s a constant receiving and penetrating of energies, at every moment.”
The air is penetrating our skin, we are inhaling something that the atmosphere is pushing inside of us, we are exhaling and penetrating the moment with our breath, our attention, our energy.
Life itself is a sexual dance, which means a dance of polar energies.
I understood that my job was not to surpress this energy but to let it touch every single part of my life, the way that I breathe, the way that I sit, the way that I walk.
And it doesn’t mean that I have sexual desire towards somebody or that I want to have sexual intimacy with them.
Or with a plant nor with an ant, no.
But it means that I allow that charge, and that pleasant sensation, to be present in what I do.
I understood the medicine showed me that this energy is at the core of life and it’s not something to cut or restrict, but instead, to let it flow, but not limited to just a small group of women, no.
If you wanna feel life’s force and aliveness flowing through you, let it flow every single moment.
Because that will liberate you.
If you’re open and loving with all of creation, you will be free.
But if you’re only in love with your husband, your girlfriend, or that one person that treats you nicely, then you’re gonna get very entangled and attached.
If you feel the calling to sit with Ayahuasca, in a container held by Colombian shamans at a sacred temple in the middle of the mountain forests, please check: