(From the ask Nico Series on YouTube: What is the most fundamental way to get better at relationships/women in general?)
The first thing that can make a big difference in the way that you relate to women is not separating them from; women and then people in general, you’re bound to get into a lot of toxic relationships or a very unhealthy way of relating when you think women are not people or you separate people in general.
Becoming good with women is no different than becoming good with people, what does it mean to be good with people? It means that probably people find you likable, charming, attractive, people trust you, people like your company and want more of it those people enjoy, cherish and try to spend time with you.
Becoming good with women is the same, it means that women trust you, they like being in your presence, they enjoy themselves when they’re with you and they look forward to being with you again.
Being good with women can be (depending on your intentions): sexual, romantic, mere friends, community.
Let’s get to the basics of what i used to teach when i was focused on getting into relationship coaching, first thing is: if you’re a social person you’re gonna welcome everyone into your sphere, but if you’re thinking that men and women deserve different treatments then it’s gonna be very difficult.
Suddenly you go through your day not being very social and then you see an attractive woman and you hope that the switch of charm, the switch of connection, the switch of social inclusiveness is gonna turn on, it doesn’t work that way.
If you don’t train yourself to be curious about the people in your life what makes you think that once you see an attractive woman that’s gonna come up.
Women are also people… it’s kind of sad that i have to remind this but, women, like men, enjoy people who are curious about them, who see them.
Do you consider yourself an attractive man? Assuming you’re a man. If not, why not? What can you stop doing and what do you think you should start doing?
A lot of men want attention from women, they want women to fall underneath for them but they themselves don’t feel that way, that reverence towards who they are, a lot of men live lives that are not very interesting, not very exciting and i’m not talking about living a life that is exciting for other people, i’m talking about living a life that is exciting for YOU.
If you’re not in love with your life, if you’re not passionate, excited, on a mission that makes you wake up full of energy and full of passion, what makes you think that a woman is gonna feel like that towards you or your life?
This may sound cheesy but, start with yourself, look at yourself in the mirror and be blunt be honest, what should you stop doing? If you’re out of shape then hey, maybe cut down the sugar, cut down all the carbs, all the nonsense that you’re eating, maybe you’re in good shape but you have a tendency to be shy, to be isolated. Open yourself up a little bit more, say yes to more invitations, smile a little bit more.
Maybe you’re good at connecting and meeting people but it doesn’t go anywhere and that may mean that there’s deeper blockages that you may want to work through.
Make your life attractive, fall in love with your life so much that the thought of whether a woman likes you or not is not surprising and you will find it in that space when you are full of passion and love for the life you’re living.
It would be almost inevitable for people around you (especially women) to also find you attractive.
This last one is very difficult for a lot of men, we’re raised in a society where you have to play games, you have to be “smooth“, “sneaky” around seduction.
My experience is that is the exact opposite, if you want a woman (not a girl, and this is a big distinction, girls like playing games you will see them little girls have toys they play pretend everything).
Then realize that a woman wants a man and one of the key things that differentiates a man from a boy is that: A man owns his desires, he’s honest about them, honesty is the way with which you shall live your relationships, if you want to become an attractive man and if you want to attract a woman.
Honesty means that you don’t misrepresent who you are or what you want out of that connection, honesty means that if you like her, you let her know.
Not in a needy way, you don’t place the weight of your unfulfilled expectations on her shoulders, no.
You can say “Hey, (maybe you met her at a party and you come to her) I find you quite intriguing and i would like to get to know you more.“
She’ll say, “Yeah, sure.” then you can follow up with, “All right, how about we grab a drink or we go for a hike, friday morning.“
You don’t need to hide that you like her, celebrate it, don’t be needy, be willing, able and excited to take NO for an answer.
It’s fine! – you don’t like all women, don’t expect all women to like you.
But be honest, don’t pretend you want to be her friend when you really want her, communicate your desires, at the same time, if you don’t want anything then don’t create false expectations.