What is it like having drunk Ayahuasca more than 100 times?
I used to count exactly how many ceremonies i had attended, i lost count at some point.
A lot of people ask me because they say:
“Well, Nico, if it’s so good, why do you keep coming back, what do you drink it for?“
I’m going to share with you how it has changed my life, because maybe you’ve already drunk medicine or you’re thinking of coming and visiting us.
Maybe you’re considering to drink it and you’re wondering about the long or maybe short term effects of what happens when you drink so much.
You may end up like me, writing/making blogs/videos!
Jokes aside, before i started drinking Ayahuasca, i didn’t think my life was bad.
If i’m honest with you i wasn’t in massive pain or struggles, i was content with the way that i was living.
I think that was the problem, it isn’t the things that hurt us deeply but the things that aren’t working, that we learn to live with, that we accept as normal parts of life.
I was recently speaking with a girl that shared how she wouldn’t know who she would be if she wasn’t anxious.
She was very much attached to her identity being that of an anxious person since she was a child, i asked her if you could do this:
Wake up without anxiety tomorrow, would you do it?
She said no, “I just wouldn’t know who i’d be without it, what my life would be without it.“
Then jokingly (But not really) she said: “I also think that this makes me more interesting.“
And i could see the pain she was stuck in, how it was a choice, that was the problem with me too.
I was doing a lot of things that i felt were fine, part of my identity, of a very exciting “boy.”
If i’m honest with you, part of these things were taking drugs, drinking almost every day, working as a tattoo artist full-time in a place that was not very healthy.
There was a lot of gossip, the owner of that shop was not the kindest human being, he continuously stole money from some of the artists, there were many things that were quite toxic.
I’d scroll through Tinder endlessly and meet women a couple of times, until they fell in love, and i’d tell them: “Hey, i’m not ready for this,” and move on.
Every time that i went out i had to take some substance, sometimes cocaine, somtimes at least drinking a lot, mushrooms.
Sometimes a lot of those in one night.
And i carry a lot of shame around that, for a long time i wouldn’t share about it publicly because i felt people would look at me in a different way.
But i’m at peace with it right now.
When i drank Ayahuasca and where it has led me now:
I quit drinking alcohol, i’m not like an alcoholic animal that tells you:
“I haven’t drunk alcohol in 3 years, 25 days and 2 hours.”
No, because the person that is drinking every day and the person that’s forcing themselves not to drink every day are in the same place.
They’re both thinking about alcohol 24/7.
I came to a point where i don’t think about it, if i drink it, usually i can’t do past 1-2 glasses of wine, if i even decide to.
It’s not on my mind, i don’t see it as a necessity or a prerequisite for me to be social to connect, i stopped being promiscuous with my sexual life.
I got married recently to a woman that is very beautiful, with whom we’ve grown together, taught me and keeps teaching me the meaning of commitment.
I felt like marriage would be the ultimate jail, the ultimate entrapment.
I’ve realized that the ultimate jail was my compulsive sexual behaviour, i was not free from wanting to be with a new woman, quite often, i was not free from that chase, from that thrill.
But along that journey, i hurt many women and i hurt myself too, i got engaged in relationships that were not leading anywhere and where pain was inevitable.
Ayahuasca taught me how to be a better partner and a big part of that was not to lie, to be fully honest, with myself first and foremost, but also with others.
It’s been teaching me to really look inside of me before i do something, before i say something.
It’s showing me every time that i drink it, to this day. It’s like it shows me a bill – it tells me: “In this moment you said this, but that was not the full truth.
On this one you manipulated the truth a little bit or did this one thing, that wasn’t in alignment or integrity with your word.“
I’m in the process of retiring from being a tattoo artist and working with the Ayahuasca community.
Having my own personal coaching practice as well as a couple of other things on the side have been the result of following my dreams.
Maybe the biggest gift from this journey, for me, has been finding “God.“
Maybe you think: “Oh, Nico, i liked you so far, now you turn into some religious preacher, i can’t do this!“
Um, no! Before you stop reading/watching this blog/video, i want to share that i have the same disdain for organized religion as you may have.
If you’re a religious person, no offense, but most religions are quite corrupted by now.
So when i refer to “God,” i refer to the intelligence, the creator, the source of it all, the great spirit of life itself.
The thing that is at the root of everything that is happening.
Discovering that within myself, realizing that i’m alive, not in my mind an not merely in my body and instincts.
Feeling that there’s something deep, something greater, that no matter what happens in my life, no matter if there are tight situations with my wife.
No matter if there are challenges at work, no matter if there’s pain, in certain ways, i can look at it with a lot of love and a lot of understanding.
Ayahuasca gave me the gift of embracing and discovering my own spiritual journey, developing my own relationship that was not mediated by some priests, some Shaman nor anyone.
My own relationship to life, to the life, the energy that bursts within me.
Out of this i feel that before, where i used to go, i used to create chaos in the heart of women, in my body through substances.
In my family through substances and dismissive behaviour, in many areas through being drunk all the time.
Being polite through lying, deceiving, manipulating.
I felt like everything that i touched turned ugly, Ayahuasca showed me that.
Now i feel the opposite, one friend once told me he made a blessing, he said: “May flowers bloom wherever your foot steps.“
I feel like my life has turned a lot into this, everywhere i go i can’t help but find a lot of beauty in the places, in the people, in myself.
Sometimes it’s not that the people turn more beautiful or that the places are nicer, i feel like what changed was my heart, how i looked at life.
This is the main reason why i decided to start creating/writing videos/blogs.
I enjoy this, i enjoy sharing and i quit doing drugs, quit drinking, i quit being promiscuous.
I started following my dreams, i stopped being afraid from speaking the truth, stopped being afraid from my parents, from my partners.
I stopped being afraid of letting love inside, i stopped feeling unworthy of wealth and abundance and i started feeling alive.
More connected to myself and my heart.
I hope that if you’re on the fence around drinking medicine that, maybe, hopefully this blog/video adds a little block to what you’re builidng.
You’re building the confidence, the strength and the resolution to go and drink medicine, hopefully with us in Colombia.
I’d love that maybe we could meet, maybe not, maybe you’re gonna do it somewhere else and i hope you did your research.
But hopefully, you trust that this is a medicine that, although painful sometimes, overwhelimng or bittersweet as its very flavor.
It has the potential for great healing, if you’re committed, if you’re decided.
Great healing is not just turning into a hippie and living in the mountains.
Healing comes with social action, leadership, improved finances, improved relationships, improved health.
Ayahuasca is very practical, it gives you homework, and if you do it, your life improves drastically and faster than you could’ve imagined.
Fortunately, the pain of a broken relationship led me to this journey, and to understanding that there’s no more time to waste.
Maybe right now (video) you hear on the background, there’s a child crying right when we’re talking about paint.
A lot of the pain that we live, that we carry, and we make others feel, is pain that we inherited.
A difficult upbringing and childhood situation, childhood trauma.
It contains a big vest of our human and adult experience.
Ayahuasca allowed me to forgive my mom for being violent, to forgive my dad for being unfaithful to my mother.
And forgiving myself for judging them and judging myself, thinking there was something wrong with me.
Having compassion to love them and understand the predicament they were in, the humanity that they were struggling with, as i have struggled with mine sometimes.
Today, my family is closer than it has ever been before, we’re all very healthy, my physical health is also the greatest, i lost around 20-30 pounds…
Not by trying, i was just carrying a lot of things emotionally. Now i have the energy, clarity, love and i have a wife.
Even if i didn’t have any of that i feel at peace and at least full with being alive alone, no longer needing to chase distractions, substances or intense experiences to feel that life has meaning.
I hope that you can one day experience the same, hopefully better, if you’re going through pain right now.
Through doubts and confusion, then you know that its possible, take that from someone who overdosed a couple of times and did a lot of stupid things in his 20’s.
For whom a lot of people thought that there was no coming back, no turning around.
Now my life has changed because “The moment that we transform the way that we look at life, the life that we look at changes,” someone wise once told me.
If you feel the calling to sit with Ayahuasca, in a container held by Colombian shamans at a sacred temple in the middle of the mountain forests, please check: