I want to share briefly about one of the roughest but also most important ceremonies that I’ve had.
It was when I proposed to my now wife, we got engaged in the medicine temple, where the Shaman that we work with hosts the plant medicine ceremonies.
I proposed to her there because we literally helped build it up with our own hands, we carried stones and steered concrete, we built black holes for the foundations.
It was there that a lot of our relationship nonsense came to the light and we dealt with a lot of it, we fell deep in love with each other.
It was Ayahuasca what allowed us to really see beyond our nonsense and forgive each other in difficult moments.
But also to understand the role that we play in the conflict that we’re having in relationships.
We believe that if it wasn’t for the plant medicine, we probably wouldn’t be together.
The medicine allowed us to heal the ways in which we were closed to love and romance, so it felt suitable to propose in that place.
Now, after the whole engagement situation, I walked up to the altar (we were in a private family ceremony) and I drank very little, about a spoonful.
I thought of asking him for some more but I figured: “You know what, maybe today is just a day to relax, to enjoy and celebrate that I’m engaged.”
Anyways, I drank the medicine and I set my intention, I thought:
“You know what, I have just proposed, I would love for you, Ayahuasca, to show me and teach me what it means to be a good husband, a good partner.”
In my mind, I imagine it’s gonna show me like: “This is what love feels like, what compassion feels like, this is what being nice and kind is all about.”
So, I was expecting sunshine and rainbows, so I drank the medicine, sat down, and thought this is gonna be a light journey.
It was really intense and overwhelming.
I started feeling very nauseous and very sick, then I heard and felt the energy of the medicine within me, she said:
“All right, you want to be a good husband, then the #1 thing you need to understand is integrity”
And I asked: “What do you mean by integrity, what’s integrity?”
She said: “Integrity means that everything is whole, that your energy is yours, not a mix of a lot of different things or different people…
Integrity means that things work the way they’re supposed to, nothing is broken.
If you’re a car, integrity means that you’re in a good condition and it can move at fast speeds without too much friction or breaking apart.”
I thought: “All right, I think I’m in integrity.”
Then she said: “Not really…”
And it showed me one by one each moment in my relationship where I had lied, down to tiny little lies like when we were leaving at 11 am to this place, but it was 11:05 and i wasn’t ready – very subtle things.
Also other big ones, like it was confronting me with all my nonsense and saying:
“If you want to have a beautiful marriage, you cannot lie, you have to be honest first with yourself and her.”
I was vomiting in all these moments where I had been dishonest.
When I finished when I felt I was clean from it, it said:
“All right, there’s also a lot of leftovers from your past lovers in you, you still have energy from a lot of the women that you were physically intimate with.”
And so I started seeing more or less every single girlfriend or woman that I had sex with since I was 14 years old.
It showed me (and it showed me in a very subtle way) how there was in my system the memory of that person.
In the Yogic tradition, we call this runanubandha, which is the exchange of memory that happens when you hold hands, even when you hug.
Especially when you have sex, when somebody cooks for you.
You will pick up a lot of energy, or a lot of memory from the spaces and people around us.
I got to see this person and see where it was in my body, then, I spent the next probably 1-2 hours vomiting quite literally every single one of my previous lovers.
It was like I was becoming a virgin again, in a way.
But I was letting that go, because the medicine said as long as you have a lot of women within your system, quite literally your mind is going to waver, and you’re going to be thinking about your ex, or this other girl.
There’s not going to be integrity, commitment and stability of your attention, love and devotion for your wife.
Now, once that was done, I thought:
“Okay, that’s it, I’m a free man.”
And he said: “…not so much!”
And it started getting more and more intense, I sat down and I’m placing my hands on the earth.
I start to feel like I’m gonna lose it, like I’m about to die and I feel sick, nauseous.
Like my energies are leaving my body.
I was sure that I was gonna die, so I started to feel really anxious because my family is in the temple, I just proposed, my loved ones are there.
I’m thinking: “Oh my god, no, what am I gonna do?”
At one point, I took a deep breath and said:
“You know what, so be it, if I die today, I die in peace, because the last 2-3 years of my life I’ve lived with integrity…
I did my best to make up for all the nonsense that I created before, but also to be an agent of change, of healing and of harmony, of the world, I fell in love and learned to love in a better way than before…
I was able to gather my family and invite them to come and drink Ayahuasca with me.” we were celebrating in that moment, and I thought:
“If i die today, well, it sucks, because things were getting quite beautiful, but I am ready, I can go in peace.”
Then, mentally, I was seeing this like ocean of energy, which felt like death or like returning to oneness, and I threw myself into it.
“All right, that’s it, I’m ready to die.“
As soon as I jumped into the abyss, it dissapeared, then I felt the energy of Ayahuasca saying:
“All right, you’re ready to be a husband, because only when you are welcoming death in every moment, it means that you are at peace with what you’ve done…
You don’t feel that you could have done more, you have shown up with all your heart, with all your love…
Only when you can live your life in a way that, anyday, no matter when you die, you will do it joyfully and willingly, only then you will be the kind of person, of man that will create and support a beautiful marriage.”
So I understood that to be a good partner means that I must live with the utmost intensity, love, commitment, devotion, every single day.
Show up in this way and not think that I have the whole life to make things up with her, if we’re arguing or that being a good husband can wait or that I can just dismiss her because I’ve work to do, no.
“All right, is this the highest action that I can do, is this in the highest integrity, am I at peace if I die today with how I showed up?”
If the answer is no, then you it means: “I need to change something.“
So, this was my experience, Ayahuasca has helped me so much in my relationship, I would not be married, let alone with such a beautiful woman in every way, if it wasn’t because of plant medicine.
It allowed me to really go off the walls and fears that I had around intimacy, and also learned what love was.
First of all, because it was not what I thought, I thought it was pleasure, but it happens to be much more than that.
If you’re in a relationship or you want to be in one and things have not worked out in the past, so you’re considering doing plant medicine.
I highly recommend it, in a safe setting, and if you’re not, you’re anyways invited.
If you feel the calling to sit with Ayahuasca, in a container held by Colombian shamans at a sacred temple in the middle of the mountain forests, please check:
First of all, I didn’t know I was an alcoholic, I thought that my drinking was merely social, for fun and under control.
Even though towards the end of it, it was about one bottle of wine per day.
I could not work or paint (I was predominantly an artist at the time), or hang out with anyone if there was not at least a glass of wine involved, usually a whole bottle, and on the weekends a lot more.
Until I would black out and wake up next morning, not remembering what had happened, so I thought it was all under control, even though it clearly wasn’t.
There was a ceremony when I asked the medicine like:
“Please, allow me to cleanse my body, I want to live closer to my truth.”
It was during the day and I remember that I started feeling nauseous when the medicine started kicking in.
Then suddenly, I hear a subtle voice inside my head, asking:
“Do you remember why you started drinking?”
And I thought like: “Not really… but i don’t care, just get this out of me, I don’t want to keep on drinking, it’s destroying my body, it’s unhealthy, but I don’t knowhow to quit.”
Then the medicine said:
“Well, why do you have so many judgements around alcohol?”
I thought: “Well, i mean, it has destroyed my relationships, damaged my health, the worst in me comes up when I drink, of course I don’t like it.”
Finally, the medicine said:
“Alright, let’s explore this.”
It took me back to when I was about 13 or 14 years old, when I was extremely shy and really, really self-conscious.
If a woman, especially a woman or a girl that I liked or found attractive came and said something to me I would literally shake and stutter and stare at the floor out of this shame.
I was very, very introverted.
And what happened was that there was this one party where, because of some medication for acne I was taking I couldn’t drink, but everybody else was drinking, dancing and having fun.
I didn’t know how to dance nor how to do anything, I felt so ostracized, like the strange, rejected one, feeling like an outcast.
However, soon after that I met a cousin that was the party guy, very popular and fun, the women really liked him, all the girls fell in love with him because he was funny.
And I started drinking with him, in the moment i started drinking I saw that my mind relaxed and now I was also cracking jokes.
I was moving a little bit, I could have a conversation, so I thought “wow…“
And out of that relaxation I was able to connect with the first women (or girl) that eventually became my girlfriend.
I was able to be more social, to feel more included, so the medicine showed me and said:
“You started to drink alcohol because you felt your life was limited, you couldn’t express yourself, you couldn’t connect with people and you wanted to live a fuller life…
Alcohol provided, freed you just enough from your mind, inhibitions and shyness, so that you could be social, have friends, have a girlfriend…
So alcohol is not a problem, it started as a solution.”
And i thought: “Wow, that’s interesting.”
He said: “However, how is it right now?”
And as I started to see visions, I saw time after time for the last few years when I lived in Europe and in Montreal, Toronto…
How I was partying every weekened, 2-3 times, sometimes up to 5 days a week.
Drinking so much that I would black out, I would not remember what had happened.
Sometimes, the next morning I would wake up and my friends would tell me: “Oh Nico, last night was so much fun, wow, thanks for coming… and that girl you were kissing, she was so hot.”
I didn’t remember anything, nor have the girls number, I don’t remember who she was, so I woke up to a lot of fun things I had done, without any recollection of them.
In some other occasions, I would wake up to really, really ugly messages from friends or women that I was dating, whose night I had ruined because of that compulsive and drunken state.
So the medicine showed me that what started as a tool to live a fuller life was actually doing the opposite right now.
Now, it’s impairing you, now it’s reducing quite literally your experience of life, because you’re quite literally shutting down for a few hours of your life a few nights per week (blacking out).
It showed me that in the beginning it was like the training wheels that you put on your bicycle, so that you can find your balance.
But imagine you put training wheels on a motorcycle, they’re bound to cause an accident, because they don’t suit you anymore.
So, I realized that alcohol for me, it started as the crotch that I relied on, but I saw that I no longer needed it, now I was doing something opposite to what he had intended.
And I felt this from a deep place of awareness, not judgement.
So the medicine allowed me not to judge this part of me, this habit, but to understand it in a deep way, once I understood it, then it started showing me:
“All right, let’s go through the damage that you have put through your body.”
Then it took me to every time that I got wasted, every time I got drunk, every time that I made a fool of myself and blacked out since I was 14 years old until I think my 20’s, when I had this experience.
And it started showing me, one by one, every time that I was drunk, out of my mind quite literally, and I would feel that and vomit it out.
The funny thing was that I saw the cyclical pattern of it all, the same process when I was in one city, almost the same locations, venues, hanging out with the same people, drinking the same cocktails.
It was taking me one by one through every time that I got drunk, until I thought like:
“I’m tired of this, this is boring.”
Then the medicine said:
“That’s right, isn’t it? But that’s what you’ve been spending all your 20’s and teenage years doing.”
I thought this was boring, like I already know what’s going to happen, I kept seeing myself drinking, getting drunk, drinking and getting drunk.
And I was vomiting and vomiting, until the medicine said:
“All right, let’s clear the last part.”
And I will save you a disgusting image, but the last part came in the toilet of the medicine house, it was something not very pleasant.
But it was like a darkness, a dark black ball inside of me that had accumulated from all the alcohol I had put through my system.
It finally came out, the moment it did, I felt like life was on HD, right after, I could see the colors in a more vibrant way.
I heard sounds more clearly, it’s like I had released a layer of numbness that alcohol had slowly created around my body and my system.
I felt so alive and so connected to life, I thought: “Wow, this is it.“
Then I started going through a very rough trip, seeing evil spirits, demons, monsters and children being abused and tortured, people killing each other, violence.
And I thought: “Oh my god, why did I drink this, I’m going crazy, I’m seeing some really horrific stuff…”
I felt quite tormented and I was trying to hide from it, praying…
“Please, please I don’t want to see this, please god, Jesus, somebody save me” nothing was happening.
And I thought: “Okay, maybe I should invite this in, maybe I should look at them.”
So I stopped hiding in a fearful state and I opened up to what I was seeing (with my eyes closed).
Then I saw all the visions I was having were fueled by the spirit of alcohol, or the energy of alcohol.
I saw how alcohol is the leading cause of a lot of violence, rape, abuse, car accidents, broken families.
I saw the ugliness of that, and the medicine said:
“Every time that you’re drinking, you’re contributing your energy to all of this, you think you’re one but you’re connected and this is not demons nor monsters, this is inside you…
This is where you can go into the future if you continue drinking the way that you’re drinking so far.”
And I knew it was right, because when I had been drunk in the past, sometimes I was violent, got into fights, not very caring for the women that I was with.
Sometimes I was full of lies and deceit, I could see that it was a gradual degradation of my mind, emotions and heart that started since i was 14 years old.
I could see how those people that wake up and kill somebody, destroy their family, beat up their wives or abuse somebody else, it’s not overnight.
It’s a gradual process of degeneration into that place, I saw that I was heading straight towards that, nothing changed.
I started crying and asking for forgiveness, from the bottom of my heart I said:
“Please, I really don’t want to be this way.”
In that moment, the experience changed, and the medicine said:
“All right, let me show you what is possible.”
Spoiler alert, it was one of the most beautiful sights or experiences of my life, because I saw what it’s like to live a life of sacredness, of respect for my body and mind, of soberness.
And before, I thought being sober was boring, now I felt being sober as being fully alive, sensitive and connected.
In that place I was seeing mandalas of a million colors, rainbows and hummingbirds, also the most beautiful creatures.
I felt that it was like I was being showered with gifts and frequencies of harmony, joy and bliss.
In essence, the medicine was showing me that when I stop destroying my body, when I stop unconsciously putting substances that disconnect me from life…
When I stop doing this, there’s no other choice but to reconnect with life, and being in connection with life is an experience of bliss, of beauty.
It’s like when you look at a sunset and you’re touched to the point of tears.
I realized that this openness of our heart is possible in every moment, if we don’t tamper or play in an unconscious way with our system.
After that day, I’m not gonna lie and tell you I never touched alcohol again.
No, I never thought about it, I could count probably with one hand, maybe two, the amount of drinks or glasses of wine that I’ve had in the last several years.
Quite often maybe just one per year, maybe on New Year’s, because I want to make a toast with my family.
But it has become a very conscious process where I don’t need it anymore, I don’t think about it nor thinking about how i’ve gone “10 years, 4 months, 3 days“, no.
I’m not obsessed about it nor rejecting it, it’s just something that dropped the moment that I saw it clearly.
Imagine that you’re holding a stick that has thorns in it, and you’re thinking:
“Oh my god, something hurts!”
You’re looking around and you don’t realize that you’re clamping it, the moment that you can see clearly how you’re clenching your fist on something that has thorns.
Nobody needs to coach you or force you, nor make you do a 30-day no boost challenge to drop it, no.
You just see the silliness of it, and that’s what happened.
Ayahuasca showed me first that I cannot let go of something that I am judging, and I was juding my alcohol habits.
Secondly, it showed me how it was what I needed at one point, how it was a tool that allowed me to get something that I didn’t know how to get otherwise.
Then he showed me that he was no longer serving any purpose, and he was doing quite the opposite, then it cleansed my body from all of it.
Allowing me to make a conscious choice:
“What do you want? Do you want to live this ugly way of alcoholism and disconnection that’s bound to end up in violence and chaos?
Or do you want to live a life of integrity, beauty, respect and health?”
Now, here I am.
If you feel the calling to sit with Ayahuasca, in a container held by Colombian shamans at a sacred temple in the middle of the mountain forests, please check:
This series is an open and transparent way of sharing some of my personal experiences with the plant medicine.
I understand that I share a lot of tips, tricks, do’s and dont’s, some philosophical reflections.
But some people still wonder: “How does it work, how does a plant, a liquid brew, after going through my body, help me heal trauma?”
“What is the experience like, what do you see, do you hallucinate, do you just think about it, maybe just your mind, is it another spirit?”
My intention is that you get an insight or a glimpse into how Ayahuasca works.
Today, I’m going to share about the very first time that I felt the medicine, and it was a very subtle ceremony, it wasn’t the strongest but it paved the road to many more to come.
What had happened – and you may already know this, was that my journey started after a very difficult breakup.
I was dating this girl, it spiraled out of control into toxicity, there were lies from both ends, there were abuses of trust, betrayal.
At the end of the day, we tried to stay together in something that was a little too… past its expired date.
What happens when you try to force a relationship like that is that it bleeds out a long death.
Instead of having an honorable ending where there’s a friendship that can be kept.
There was apathy, resentment, hatred, and a lot of judgement, that was the case for me.
So, in simple words, after that breakup I was left really questioning who I was, what’s the point of life? Am I a bad person?
I was working at the time as a dating and relationship coach, and I thought that I knew what relationships were all about.
So I thought my relationship was perfect at one point, and when it crashed like this i was confronted with the fact that I don’t really understand women. I don’t really understand myself.
I thought I was doing the right thing but I realized that, actually, maybe I wasn’t.
However, the breakup was so painful that my first go-to reaction was drugs, alcohol, parties, other women.
It was a very unconscious way of trying to cope with the pain that I felt, I didn’t really have any guidance or healthy role models that held my hand and said:
“Hey, this is an alternative, this is how you can transform that pain.”
So, as I started to spiral out of control, into drug abuse and too much partying, living a life that was full of chaos.
One day I woke up and I realized this couldn’t continue like it had.
So I grabbed a ticket and flew back to Colombia (I was in Toronto at the time), and I thought, in Colombia with my family, my grandma’s going to cook for me.
I can watch movies with them, cry on their lap, I’ve my sisters, my dad.
I was a mess, I just wanted to heal, I knew that drugs, parties and women were not the answer and I felt shame and guilt for everything that I was doing.
So I felt like I needed to get myself straight.
When i was in Colombia, a friend of a friend had invited me to an Ayahuasca ceremony, and I thought:
“Oh, I’ve heard about this, now would be a good moment.”
So I went to the ceremony with the main intention of wanting to release whatever I may be holding on to from my relationship that just ended.
In my mind I thought:
“It’s okay, she left, I’m better without her, my life is better, I’m on my own.”
I was very close enough to the pain and I felt that I don’t want her in my life, but I’m fine.
Deep inside I knew that if I was fine I wouldn’t be trying to cope with life in the way that I was.
So I felt like maybe there’s something there.
The most important thing for me was that I really wanted to fall in love again, I knew that whatever I didn’t process about this previous relationship would show up in my next one.
Whatever grudges I kept against my ex or against women in general will show up, I won’t prevent me from having a beautiful love story with a new person, and I really wanna fall in love again.
I knew it was a little too soon but I thought:
“I want to do the work, so that the next partner I invite is someone with whom a beautiful sacred relationship is created, hopefully not with someone with whom I repeat this cycle of toxicity.
It’s a long context story but bear with me.
I arrived to the ceremony, and it was with one of the elder Colombian taitas, Hipolito Michavisoy.
So I was sitting there, when it was time, I drank my first cup, nothing happened.
I looked next to me and there’s women foaming, shaking, people screaming.
The whole thing looks like it’s out of a horror movie, some people being exorcised and the whole thing was like a psychiatric hospital.
Just want to let you know this isn’t a normal Ayahuasca ceremony, this specific Shaman, who has now passed away recently…
His medicine was known to be really rough, he was known to be like a warrior, an indigenous spiritual teacher, and his approach was like “No-BS” approach.
Like, I’m gonna give you a cup and you’re gonna poop your pants and vomit, but tomorrow you’re gonna be a different person, and we’re gonna get the demons out of you.
That was his way of dealing with the healing of people and his way of coming out of the jungle was really strong and powerful.
But he had to dilute it a little bit and tame it down because a lot of people would come drink medicine once and never come back.
The process was so intense that they thought: “This was really healthy, I’m a different person, but I never want to have a night like this in my whole life.
I didn’t know about this at the time.
I went to him – there’s people screaming everywhere, and I’m here, just sitting, looking at the clock, thinking:
“Okay, maybe I should get another one” so I stood up, drank another cup, nothing,
I just felt nauseous, I’m vomiting sometimes, then again, another cup.
At this moment, I started feeling something, I felt a little nauseous, and as I started feeling a little dizzy, I started sensing and seeing with my eyes closed the spirit of Ayahuasca.
And there was this young woman, and this older women, like a grandma.
She was like an ancient indigenous grandma, they came and started pouring water on top of my head.
I take this as a symbolism of starting to clean my energies, and as soon as this started, I started to feel a lot of pain in my throat, in my stomach, like a burning sensation.
I got scared and thought:
“Oh my god, what’s happening, I’m really, really sick.”
And as I start feeling that, I get flashes from the last big fight that I had with my ex, I saw how in the past she had been physically violent.
But this one time we got into an argument, and she was about to rush away from home, and there was a point…
Where just the way that she was standing right in front of me, the way she was grabbing me, I was afraid.
I felt like she was about to hit me once again, I felt scared but also powerless.
Because I wanted to just tell her to “eff” off and to never see her again.
But I felt that I was so attached and codependent that I didn’t know how to have boundaries, and I felt shame, resentment and anger at that situation.
Because – and I will share in future videos, it was a deep reflection of my relationship with my mother, of powerlessness, of violence, of a lot of unhealthy things, and this image started coming up.
I started feeling all the resentment, hate and anger I had towards her and for what she did, and the lies that she exercised or created towards the end of our relationship.
I felt this desire for revenge, to punish back, I saw how in a very unconscious way a lot of what I was doing in Toronto was a subtle desire to get back at her.
Even though she was already out of my life.
Then I started feeling that anger, and the medicine showed me…
I heard this voice saying:
“Look what you’re carrying.”
“-Yes, but it wasn’t right what she did to me, it wasn’t good it was painful”
And the medicine said, “Yes, but you gotta let it go.”
“-No, if I forgive her then it’ll mean that what she did was right.”
“It was not about whether she did something that was right or wrong, just look at it, look at what you’re doing to yourself” I was really attached to my pain, to my righteousness, to my hatred of her, I thought:
“-No, no, i’m not gonna let it go because it wasn’t right, it broke my heart.” The more that I resisted the more that the sickness built up in my body.
The medicine showed me, it made me more conscious.
I felt like I wanted to vomit but I couldn’t, it was stuck there.
I felt anger and hatred, like wanting to punch something.
And I kept saying: “-No, no, it wasn’t okay, I’m not gonna let it go.”
Then at one point, the medicine said:
“She punished you, or you feel like she punished you and hurt you once in that moment, but look at what you have been doing to yourself ever since.”
“You have been doing the exact same thing that you feel so angry at her for, you’re angry at the pain that she caused you…
And because of that, you have been causing so much pain to yourself through the drugs, through the parties, to the women that you’ve been dating…
Because your heart is not involved, and directing pain to your body because of how that resentment has been consuming”
In that moment I understood that to forgive her, to accept what had happened, was a gift for myself, not for her.
Although it also liberated her from that bitterness that I carried, I realized:
“I’m okay with having suffered once, I don’t want to be the one that perpetuates my own suffering, I don’t wanna carry this with me.”
So I reached in the bottom of my heart, and I forgave her, I said it’s okay, it is what it is, this is what it was.
The moment that I did that, like half a bucket of vomit started coming out of my system.
I vomited more and more, and as I vomited I could feel like a big weight was lifted off my back.
In that moment, when I thought of her, I also started noticing the sweetness, the love, the care that she had for me.
Which was a lot bigger and a lot more consistent than the isolated, ugly moments that we had.
I also started feeling and noticing what I had done and how I thought that I had been a good guy.
The medicine showed me:
“Hey, look, in this moment you took advantage of her trust, in this moment you objectified her for your own pleasure, in this moment you lied to her, in this moment you caused pain…
And you knew it in this moment, you broke her heart and you ignored it.”
I was in tears, because I went from resentment to awareness and compassion.
Now, I could understand exactly why she had done what she did, exactly why the relationship had turned so ugly.
Most importantly, and the most difficult part, I knew the role that I played in it.
I saw that I was not a victim of what she did, but I co-created what happened.
We both played a role in how the relationship turned out and I saw that I was not an angel, I was not right and she was wrong, we both put seeds and nourished them.
They were seeds of something ugly, that’s what we eventually collected.
I could see that everything unfolded in a perfect way, doesn’t mean that what she did was right, but it was the inevitable consequence of everything that went into that relationship.
And that was liberating.
Because I was not a victim of anybody, I wasn’t powerless, because if I created such ugliness in my previous relationship, it was also up to me to create beauty in my next, current one, the women that i married.
There have been so many more insights that I have had.
I ended up eventually gathering the courage to send an apology to my previous partner for things that I did and all the pain that I inflicted.
More than whatever response I received from her apologies and forgiveness, it’s a gift that we give to ourselves.
The gift of accepting what happened and learning to see the perfection in it.
I know this may be or sound very difficult, if you’ve gone through abuse, if the abuse came from your parents or someone who was meant to protect you.
In our center, we have worked with many women, especially that have been sexually abused by relatives, one woman by her father.
And in those cases it’s very difficult to understand the perfection or to accept what happened.
Because it’s so inhumane and ugly that it’s very bad to conceive that if there’s a god he would allow such things to happen.
This is the experience of all these people that have healed, learning to accept what is doesn’t mean that you condone the wrongdoings of somebody else.
It doesn’t mean that you cheer for the ugliness of the pain that someone inflicted on you, no.
It just means that you love yourself enough to not keep punishing yourself for the punishment that somebody else inflicted upon you.
Life is already challenging and difficult, there’s a lot of beauty, ugliness, chaos, order and harmony for us to be using our mind, our body, our memory, to punish ourselves.
So, forgiveness is the gift that frees you from that, and it is the choice of ultimate love.
Because you love yourself enough to not torture yourself.
It’s okay you went through the torture once, it was ugly enough that you suffered what you had to suffer.
There’s no need to make your life revolve around that pain and repeat it, drag yourself throughout it back and forth.
Ayahuasca in this way allowed me to forgive my ex-girlfriend, but more than that, to come home to myself.
To open my heart, to take responsibility for the role that I played in my specific situation and to let go of all that was holding me from living a beautiful and healthy relationship.
More than that, as I was sharing future videos, it allowed me to understand how the roots of what I lived were far deeper than that relationship.
There were childhood traumas with my mother and for her very deep roots into an absent codependency, to create an unhealthy way of relating.
Ayahuasca allowed me to feel that I was not a victim of life nor of god nor of her.
The pain that I carried was only hurting me, the resentment was only destroying my own life and my own heart.
if you feel the calling to sit with Ayahuasca, in a container held by Colombian shamans at a sacred temple in the middle of the mountain forests, please check:
The masculine is connected to money because in our society the traits and the qualities that are most likely to provide a stable and prosperous financial foundation for a person are masculine, for example.
Focus, if you look around most people who say i’m a writer, artist, healer, tarot reader, investment banker, cook, chef, somebody tells you a million things.
The first thing that comes to mind is, this person has a lot of hobbies and probably very little money.
However, it is the brain, the left hemisphere, brain surgeon, the one that makes a lot a lot of money, it is the cardiologist, it’s the (in my previous profession) watercolour tattoo artist the person that knows how to focus, the one that usually excels, develops a proficient ability in something.
A person that has a challenging time with their own masculine, a woman that has a hard time with her own masculine is going to have a hard time usually focusing, following through.
Consistency, discipline is a masculine trait, it is the act of committing to something out of a choice and not out of an emotion.
A lot of women are very sensitive and it’s a beautiful gift, unless they are at the mercy of it, which is the case for most of the women that I know.
You can have a huge heart, but if your heart dictates whether or not you work all the time then you’re gonna have a very rocky financial life.
It should be our awareness, our consciousness dictating what our mind, body and heart does, not our consciousness at the mercy of our mind, our body or our heart.
Women who have problems with money usually tend to have problems with structure, the masculine is a very nourishing energy, In the Shamanic tradition we say, mother earth. “Madre Tierra” and father sun, “Padre Sol.”
The sun is the father, the light. The earth is the mother, the light penetrates the earth – its waters and then it breeds life, the sun nourishes everything abundantly and equally, it does not discriminate.
A woman who had a hard time receiving from her father because he was absent, he was abusive or he was weak, is gonna hurt, she’s gonna have a hard time receiving from life itself, however.
If you’re aware of this, you can remember that your father only facilitated a body for you, your previous partners were only your previous partners, you are connected to a source, an energy of life that is very sacred, then the sacred masculine keeps you here.
The light of the sun shines on you every day and its roots feed you, keep you alive, if you can connect to the ways in which the masculine is already providing for you, you can start to slowly open yourself up to receiving from this energy that is abundant in nature.
Therefore open yourself up to having more structure, being more focused, being more disciplined, more consistent and being able to be penetrated in a nourishing way by life itself.
For your feminine energy to be fertile you need the masculine energy to be in dance with it, just the masculine or just the feminine are not fertile.
Light or darkness tends to be more a matter of perspective than a fact.
For example, in regards to the whole Corona Virus situation – for a lot of people it has been very challenging it, has brought a lot of anxiety, separation, frustration towards the government.
At the same time, i know a lot of people that have benefited a lot because of it. For the first time in their life they’re not distracted, they cannot go to the club/bar to do activities that they used to do to numb themselves from the pain and avoid the situation that was present.
There’s a lot of couples divorcing because they had never had enough time to actually be in connection with each other, Is this chaos or is this a blessing in disguise?
My invitation to you is first, to consider that whether something is an opportunity or a curse has more to do with how you position yourself than with the truth of the matter – in essence, life is neutral, if you look out in nature there is life, there is death, there is hunger, there are full bellies, there are volcanoes erupting and destroying other things.
Then there is the rain nourishing the lands, the birds flying and singing.
It’s a mix of beauty order and chaos.
With that being said how we experience reality is up to us and the first question is: If i’m experiencing this moment as a very, very dark moment then it must be because i’m standing in the wrong place or maybe i’m looking only at things that i don’t like about what’s happening right now.
Secondly, it is never useful to think of things in a very large context, at least not until we have done our work to then be able to look with a deeper clarity and we wash our eyes.
When you ask yourself about this upheaval; What should I pray for? What should we ask for?
Say: “Nothing“, because you cannot change all of society, however, you can start with yourself and your relationships, which will eventually as a side effect change and have an impact on all of society.
I invite you to focus on what’s the extent of what you can control and what you can influence, maybe it’s your family, maybe you have a community, maybe you’re a business leader and you have a lot of people that trust your guidance or maybe it’s just you and you’re feeling a little bit anxious and paranoid, and you would like to do something for the greater good.
I’m here to tell you that the best thing you can do is to take care of yourself, your heart. If this is in peace, if this is in harmony, if this is able to find the light even though the moment may seem too dark, if you’re able to look at the situation and understand the gift that is being brought to you and not get caught up wrapping it then you will realize that this also serves you.
Shit can be something really ugly or very nourishing, depending on where you place it.
If you put it at the bottom of a tree then it’s great, it has a lot of nutrients and it will make the flowers and the trees grow a lot faster, fuller.
But if you just smear it all over your home it’s just gonna stink, so, shit itself is not bad or good, it’s just a matter of what you choose to do with it.
My invitation to you is stop smearing it over your mind, over your emotions, put it aside and figure out what kind of places can nourish me and how can i be nourished enough to then start taking care of those around me, my family, my community.